I Joined the Trich Cure of the Month Club

First, my sincerest apologies for not having posted in months. What neglect.

I get ideas in my head, but to actually sign in and write a post seems to become a big deal. And the more I procrastinate it, the bigger it becomes.

Several interesting things have happened over the months. I have something really insightful to share with you in my next post, after watching Opra about cigarette addiction. - but next post.

Ok, so let's review what I've tried to free myself of trich:

• behavior modification (self)
• hypnosis
• will power (well, we know this doesn't work or we wouldn't be where we are...)
• meditation and mantra
• paraliminals
• EFT/NLP
• NOT trying - hmmmmmm....

Behavior Mod
I studied behavior modification as part of my teacher training. This involves setting up a program in which the goal behavior or approximated goal behaviors are rewarded (or negative behaviors punished) in order to train the subject to engage in the desired behavior.
I would keep a calendar and mark the days of no plucking, or allow a certain level of plucking and rate it - did I pluck 1 or 2, catch myself and stop? That was a 1, where a zero meant no plucking, and out of control plucking would be a 3. Each week the points were added up and I could reward myself accordingly. I tried with money to treat myself to a new article of clothing, or a favorite treat. I worried about creating a new food obsession, though.
The problem: I was not accountable to anyone but myself. This program still had me as prisoner and warden. I could cheat, and I was too attached to the outcome to manage the program for myself. In essence, it meant having more will power and self-discipline than I had; because if I had it, I would pluck at all, now would I? How many of you reading this are saying been there, done that?

Hypnosis

Two summers ago I went to see a hypnotist. The session consisted of a pre-session so the therapist could determine how to work with me. During that pre session I was very, very relaxed, but by the actual session, I found myself constantly readjusting my position and having to resettle and re-relax. The therapist didn't think it would affect the power of the suggestion and she had worked with OCD sufferers before with immediate success. I was very hopeful. The one image she used during the therapy made me cry a cry of longing and letting go. The image basically lead me to thank my trich for being there when I needed it, like a good friend, but now I didn't need it anymore and it was time to say goodbye. Even now, writing this, I feel my eyes start to well up and my being is imbued with the sense of letting go, separating and saying goodbye.

Saying goodbye - separation - that must be a trigger for my trich. The image I have in my mind now of separations include the man I left to come live in Israel. I loved him deeply, with all my heart and with all my being - a way I've never been able to love anyone again.
Other separations include losing a baby. The fetus simply stopped developing and at 14 weeks pregnant, I was induced and we said goodbye to who would've been our 3rd boy (today we have 4 boys). I had had a premonition about that pregnancy not working out, but everything was fine at the 10 week check up. At 14 weeks we could find no heartbeat. I had been walking around telling my husband that there was no life force in my abdomen - it was cold. And I was right. Soon thereafter (6 weeks later) I was pregnant again!
The most recent and disturbing separation was from my brother Steve. He died suddenly at the age of 34 in August 2003. He wasn't a big element in my life - he never wrote or called. It was up to me to stay in touch, but I miss him dearly. He was so clever, smart, beautiful and funny. And it's hard knowing that I'll never see him again and my kids will not get to know him that way I did. I see him in dreams once in a while, and talk to him. I know he's still with us. He died of an 'accidental' overdose of nitrous oxide (laughing gas) so if you know anyone messing around with this stuff - STOP THEM! It can kill them. It's no laughing matter after all, turns out. (none of us family members knew about this or any of his other risk-taking behaviors/addictions).

EFT/NLP
After one session, I was completely trich free for about 7-10 days. I felt released and free. But then it came back. Maybe a few more sessions would have helped. We worked on the issues of separation - eventually. It only came out once we were done with the session and kept talking a bit. My therapist was very keen and very attentive and as soon as he saw the issue, we tapped it out.

I believe we all have to find the key - the root to the original trigger of our trich. Find what created it and you'll find your cure at the same time.

I do recommend working with therapists such as hypnotherapists, EFT/NLP practitioners and kinesiologists who have experience relieving people of their compulsive behaviors. All these things created a shift and greater awareness for me, and got me closer to my own cure.

What holds me back from a total cure? Not wanting to let go - not wanting to say goodbye forever. I lie to myself and say that I'm fine just the way I am. What difference does it make whether I have lashes and eyebrows, or not? It's just something I do. It's the way I am. So what. That's fine for the day to day so that I'm not punishing myself every moment for doing this to myself, but is it REALLY how I want to live my life? The rest of my life? What would it mean for me if I could create a breakthrough in this area? It would mean taking my life back, beauty, freedom, inspiration to others. It would mean less eye irritation, less self-consciousness. It would mean being a person who handles tension in productive, non-destructive ways.

What would it mean for you, if you could stop plucking?
Who would you be?
Are you ready to be that? (it's ok if you're not, but be honest about it and accept it for now)

Do you believe you can be trich free?

Remember - you were not born plucking. If you weren't born with it, it was acquired. If it was acquired, it can be un-acquired.

My new cure of the month - KINESIOLOGY

I had my first session last week. I will keep you posted on my progress here. My next session is April 10th.

It's not an instant cure, but I believe will address the root (no pun intended) causes, the tension that feeds it, and the neural pathways created by the repetitive behavior.
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What about the last one on the list? NOT TRYING.
Well, 'they' say that what we resist, persists. As trich 'sufferers' (can we use a better word - trich-sters?) I'm open to suggestions, but I'm going with that one. As I was saying - as trich-sters the more we try not to and tell ourselves we have to stop, we want to stop - it gets WORSE!!!

Whatever we resist, persists. Think about that. Stop resisting it.

Share your thoughts here. Thanks for being here.

New Year's Resolutions? Forget 'em (if you haven't already!)

Here's a post from a great blog by Adriane Shuster, "Happiness - Hype or Hope" and just loved this as a new way to the New Year: [quotes with permission]

"Last week, prior to the New Year, the suggestion was to ask a variety of questions, rather than making (easily broken) resolutions for 2009. Continuing with the premise that New Year's resolutions often create more anxiety than satisfaction, another interesting, concrete and fun alternative is the Life List.

Wishes, goals, dreams and things to accomplish, from the mundane to totally life-changing endeavors, can be compiled at an on-going basis. Popular goals seen repeatedly on Life Lists are: learn to cook, have a baby, get a dog, move out, plant a garden, take dancing lessons, visit every continent, stick to a budget, save money, be my own boss, lose weight, write a book, quit smoking, run a marathon, exercise regularly, get a Ph.D, learn to become a gourmet cook, learn a foreign language, take piano lessons, meditate, make a movie-the list is literally endless.

What will you put on this personal itinerary, which places to go, people to meet, and things to see and do?

• Include only the goals you WANT to achieve, not those you think you SHOULD do.

• When starting your Life List, be sure that there are one or two objectives that you can immediately accomplish-this will give the necessary momentum to add more tasks and tackle the "biggies".

• Put goals in a positive light and be specific- i.e. rather than, "be more environmentally aware", how about, "use cloth rather than paper napkins".

• Be sure they're varied (noble, wacky, very personal, chancy, etc), fun and that they don't conjure up drudgery.

• Flexibility is key- objectives are not etched in stone, so add and subtract over time to keep them relevant and meaningful to your life.

• Involve friends and family- adds immediacy, vibrancy and inspiration to the objectives on your list, as your support system will come up with great ideas, keep you on track and cheer you on.

• Focuses on the big picture- clarity gained about what's really important to you and a sense of satisfaction as you check off those things on your Life List which you've accomplished.

• Gets you past those "blah" times- knowing you have purpose, much to learn and dreams awaiting fulfillment proves to be very uplifting and exciting even when experiencing a less than optimal time in your life.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Offer to End Hair Pulling from Abby Leora Rohrer

Here is the email offer I just received from Abby - if you contact her, please let her know that you were referred by me, Esti. Thanks.
-----------------------------------
"As this year draws to a close, take a moment to reflect on the direction of your life. Are you joyful and lighter with each passing year or is there a heaviness that settled in along with hair pulling that you just can't seem to shake? Take a look at how your fears have dictated your choices, controlled your destiny and dampened your hope for the brightest possible future.

Many hair pullers put their need for freedom on the back burner. They shove themselves into a tight fitting "box" in an attempt to stay safe. Is this true for you? Do you find your world shrinking and becoming more anxiety-filled with each passing year?

And, does your list of priorities look a lot like this one?
1. Get more money
2. Find more time
3. Feel better physically
4. Take care of children/family
5. Feel more supported and accepted by others
6. Stop pulling my hair out!
7. Get more confidence
8. Get rid of stress and anxiety

Have you decided that once you get your money, time, health, and family sorted out, you'll finally tackle your hair pulling, self-esteem, anxiety and relationships? Actually, when you make your relationships, hair pulling, self-confidence and emotional health your lowest priorities, "top" priorities like your happiness, finances, health, and family suffer . . . every part of YOU suffers while your stress and hair pulling worsen!

Without solving your confidence issues, it's unlikely that you'll make more money. To make more money you have to believe that you deserve it, right?
Without resolving and ending your hairpulling, it's unlikely that your relationships will improve. It's hard to feel connected (a requirement for great relationships) if you won't look others in the eye or squirm when they stand close to you. Without feeling better emotionally, your physical health and children's lives will be difficult to improve . . . you just won't have it in you to fix them. It's a vicious cycle.

If you continue to squeeze yourself into tighter and tighter boxes, eventually your world will be a very small dark place. Of this I am certain because that's how I lived during 27 years of hairpulling. Only when I changed my priorities did my life improve for the better. I had to stop wishing that my hair pulling would magically disappear and finally make the decision to save myself.

You can do this, too! Now you can truly move forward and reclaim your power, end your hair pulling and grab hold of yourself-confidence. You can finally reclaim your whole life!If you will allow me, I will hold your hand and help you move toward the richly rewarding life you desire--one with ALL of your hair AND the underlying joy to go with it.

If you will allow me, I will also hold your vision and help you achieve your dream of freedom.

I've put together the following packages to best help you. They're good through December 31, 2008, but they're not available online. To order you'll need to call my office at 303-546-0788 orfax in your order to this number. Here are the details:

***Package #1***Both of my books, "What's Wrong With Pulling My Hair Out? AND "WhyWon't My Child Stop Hair Pulling?" in DOWNLOADABLE format, plus a30-minute private call with me--Cost: $99. This is an amazing value, you save $62! (Printed versions are more--if you need those, let us know when you call.)

Some of you may be wondering why it's best to have BOTH books."What's Wrong With Pulling My Hair Out?" explains the philosophy behind how I healed. "Why Won't My Child Stop Hair Pulling?" explains in detail why many children begin to pull and continue on indefinitely. If you are an adult hair puller OR a parent, both books are crucial to understand how your hair pulling(or your child's hair pulling) developed and how you can end it.

***Package 2*** For Adult Hair Pulling Women Only: Trichotillomania Free, Women'sUniversity and one 60-minute private mentoring call with me. Readabout this incredible program at www.pullfreeatlast.com/tfwu.html. There you'll find loads of testimonials and details about the program. If you've longed to stop pulling and want and need an incredible support community, this is the program for you. Here's a great trial rate for the first month along with one 60-minute private mentoring call with me. Cost: $218* You save $48!*Purchasing this package enrolls you in the online Women'sUniversity at the regular rate of $117/for subsequent months. Tryit for 30 days, if you don't want to continue, simply cancel yoursubscription by the end of your first month or any subsequent month.

***Package 3***240-minute block of private mentoring where I'll help you discoverand dissolve the core of your hair pulling. These minutes don'texpire, buy them now and use them whenever you're ready. Cost:$475. You save $80!

***Lastly***If you purchase any of the above or schedule at least one privatementoring call in December, you will be locked a special privatementoring rate of $149/hour until YOU declare yourself done withhair pulling for good. This applies to parent consultations aswell. This is a great value as my rate for new consultations isconsiderably higher.

It's time to take action. Will you allow me to help you take back your life and your looks?
Call me today at 303-546--0788!

Best Regards,
Abby Leora Rohrer
Former Hair Puller,
Now 14+ Years Pull-Free, andTrichotillomania Healing Expert
"My mission is helping people end trichotillomania every day!"

P.S. Need testimonials before making a decision? I've got loads.

This one came in on December 11, 2008:"I wanted to tell you that I have successfully completed theprogram using the book you offer. I started in July '07 and neverpulled a hair since. It took until about Feb/Mar of this year forme to be able to get a real haircut and wear my hair free of pinsor barrettes.

"I now am riding motorcycles with friends, swimming, walking onwindy days, going to the hair salon....all kinds of things.

"This program has truly given me a new freedom, a whole new way of living. Sounds dramatic, but it is true. I suffered with hairpulling off and on from the time I was 11.

"Thank you so much. It was without doubt the best money I have everspent. Since I am "fully recovered", you can remove me from your email list. Again, thank you. I hope your program continues to help others in their struggle." Sincerely,Julie F.

Go to www.pullfreeatlast.com to read many more. Questions? We're here to answer them for you. Call 303-546-0788 or reply to this email.

P.P.S. If you have financial constraints and the above packages are not an option for you, I've put together a series of quickhealing tips via email just for you. Go to
www.pullfreeatlast.com to signup right now!

Copyright 2008, Facilitated Recovery, LLC
Believe that YOU can heal!Facilitated Recovery, LLC
PO Box 664
Lafayette, CO 80026

Trichotillomania - Common Threads

Wow is all I can say. Everytime I get a response to the blog and read myself in your comments while knowing that my blog may be the first time for some of you to know that there is a name for this condition and that you're not alone - inspires me. I'm inspired by your courage to write and share yourselves with me and with the other readers. I'm inspired by the love and hope you express.

I am one of you, yet so much want to be the inspiration for your own healing.

I am not yet healed. Just the other day I declared to a friend - who is trying to overcome compulsive nail biting - that I felt free of the trich. As soon as I realize I'm not doing it, I start
checking my progress, leading to more and more obsessive behaviors with my lashes. Touching them, noticing the texture, how much they've grown in, that especially thick one there - and then there's that itch - as one recent writer put it - a 'burning' that can only be relieved by plucking.
Once I start, there's no stopping me. Once I've headed down that slope, it only gets slippier and slippier.

The common threads I see, and if you read the comments to my posts you'll see them, too: boredom, anxiety, static or passive activities - that's it.

How do we relieve, or think we're relieving anxiety or boredom by plucking? I know that when I'm over tired- really over, over tired, the plucking takes on a life of its own. But does plucking relieve fatigue, anxiety, boredom or really make us believe that we're being active when we're actually static or passive? No, of course not. Not on a conscious, rational, logical level, anyway.

So why is it so damn hard to give up? I'm not sure.

This email from Abby Leora Rohrer, a self-healed hair puller who's helped thousands like us, may offer you some insights:
"As I mentioned to you in my last message, if your dream is to be pull-free and if you will allow me, I will walk you down the path to ending your hair pulling for good.

The truth is that not every hair puller wants to or is ready to be free--some feel pressured to stop . . . to say they want to, but they really don't. How about you?

My most successful students had a dream of ending their pulling but also realized that they had other troubling things going on besides hair pulling. Some noticed, that no matter how much they achieved, in spite of all their wins, awards or degrees, they just never felt"good enough".

Even with many people in their life who love them, they frequently had a gnawing feeling of loneliness and of being "on the outsidelooking in". They often felt powerless. They were driven to tryto control everything. Some felt drained or lived with lots ofstress and anxiety.

Others felt a constant pinch in their closest relationships and an obsessive quality about their approach to relating. They simply couldn't relax and just be themselves. In the back of their minds they worried about being judged as "less than perfect". They found themselves prone to putting others above them and simplycouldn't see their own value. When others treated them poorly, they were unable to stand up for themselves. They did this with bosses, teachers, and partners. They sometimes even did it with their own children. Their lives often felt hopeless.

These students come from all walks of life, races, religions, genders, professions and orientations. They are moms and dads, some with a terrible fear that their own children will begin pulling -- some have kids who already do. They are doctors, lawyers, successful business owners, young professionals and even a few college students who already have more than 10 years of hairpulling under their belts. Some, but certainly not all, have seemingly "perfect" looking outer lives. They hide everything so well. You'd never-ever know the kind of pain they've lived with.

Just as many people who know youmay have no idea about the constant strain and pressure you live under while trying to appear like everyone else. My most committed students want a LIFE solution every bit as much as a hair pulling solution. Is this you?I know you want your hair, eyebrows or eyelashes back, but my guess is that you also want so much more. You want freedom and peace from your underlying feelings of being "less-than", from your anxiety, from your helpless feelings in relationships, and from your general feelings of powerlessness. Sure, you want control over your hairpulling, but you also want to feel control over your life. Isn't this right?

If you will allow me, I will teach you to end your hair pulling with a solution that addresses all of these other life issues as well. If you will allow me, I will help you reclaim your full power in life. If you will allow me, I will show you exactly how to let go of your inner pain and shame. If you will allow me, I will help you to rediscover both your self-esteem and inner light along with the return of your hair and outer beauty.This kind of transformation takes effort and commitment on your part. If you will allow me, I will walk you down the path to freedom. But, I can only do this if it is truly YOUR dream to befree and if you will allow me to show you how to get there.

My next email will come in just a few days and will provide you with special offers on concrete ways for me to help you end yourhair pulling for good and reclaim your life.

Best Regards,
Abby Leora RohrerFormer Hair Puller,
Now 14+ Years Pull-Free, andTrichotillomania Healing Expert"
My mission is helping people end trichotillomania every day!" '
--------------------------------------------------------------
The only thing keeping me from joining her full program has been the cost. I know it
would be worth it, but with my husband disabled with a brain injury and no income
from my business yet, I cannot spend the money. As soon as I can afford it, I will do
it. I was considering working with an NLP practitioner or a Kinesiologist. I may yet give
one or both of these a go. I know people for whom hypnotherapy has been successful.

If you can afford to join Abby's full program, you'd be in very good hands.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Let me know what you think about what Abby wrote in this letter - where do you see yourself?

To Our Healing,
Esti

How I relate to Relapse

I thank the reader who recently inquired about my well-being,
and congratulate her on being trich-free for 4 MONTHS!!!
(woo-woo, loud applause, whistling)

I am fine. I've been super-busy. I've also created a new blog
on Wordpress that I want to switch over to, but haven't finished
setting that up..and, and, and. Life! I started my own company
this year as well and that's keeping me busy. My husband has
been out of work for 9 months with a baseball-induced head injury
sustained while coaching Little League here (Israel).

I've had a lot of conversations in my head about 'time'. Actually
it is one conversation: "There's not enough time. How will I ever
get X done?" So, in giving that up, I just flow with what's going
on and have become realistic in my scheduling. It's given me a
renewed sense of control over my life. Maybe 'organization' is a better
word.

What's any of this have to do with trich? Everything or nothing. I actually
hadn't thought of it till I sat to write. I think the sense of lack of
control - when life gets into disarray - the plucking returns or intensifies.
Hmmm...

I will reset the timer - though when I went to log in to my account where that counter is the counter was no longer in the account. Nevermind - TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. You may see the counter simply disappear. And reappear on the new blog.

I've tried the EFT - and I believe it could work if I only I could stick to doing it 10 times/per day for the next 30 days as recommended by Gary Craig. That's been my recurring problem - sticking to something long enough to make a go of it?
Like in with some of the home businesses I've started, dancing lessons (as a kid), and so many projects left unfinished.

I was doing really well with the trich - 3, almost 4 months, then slowly it began. I'd start, catch myself and stop. Whew! Ok, I'm in control. I can choose NOT to pluck. Blah, blah, blah (self-talk, self-coaching). ;-)
Then it picks up in intensity. Then we get a phone call from the bank that we have to cover our overdraft - or else! Big time tension leading to a big-time plucking session.

So, I'm reading, watching TV, or at the computer and I'm plucking. I say, "Esti, stop that. What do you choose? Freedom or plucking?" Freedom.
Well, at some point, freedom goes out the window, takes a big long flying leap, and goes splat on the ground below. (no innocent bystanders are injured, nor is property damaged in the making of the imagery).

You know what I'm talking about. It becomes so overwhelming to not be plucking and THINKING about plucking, while thinking about how you're not plucking, but want to pluck - there's just no more room in your head for anything else until you just pluck and get it over with.

And, well, what the heck. It's no so bad. It's just something I DO; it's not WHO I AM. What a big freakin' lie, right?

I laugh at eyebrow-less and eyelash-less self. And they were looking so good, too. But, oh, well. It's not the end of the world, no one dies from it, and on and on with justifications and excuses. And that's just what they are - excuses - for not taking responsibility, for not being my word to myself and to YOU, my reader.

How can I relapse after having made so much progress? My eyelashes were very well grown in and getting beautifully long, my eyebrows were full and I no longer had to worry about swimming, sweating or wiping them off. A nice feeling. A feeling of progress, freedom, achievement. Does it have anything to do with totally giving up something, or completion of the mission of being trich-free? Is it just one more project I don't finish? It's always a work in progress? What insights do you get when reading this. I'd love to get a new perspective on it.

I have let you down in a way. I professed my FREEDOM and was going to lead the way for you to achieve your own. But here we are.

So, I beg your forgiveness and ask that you bear with me and that we stay in this together. Please share what's working for you. Share your breakdowns. Share with us here because we understand what you're dealing with.

My next course of action is to let a friend who just became certified in NLP -Neural Linguistic Programming to treat me by phone. He has also written an article that I will publish tomorrow.

I will begin regular sessions with him and report your progress.

I will once again declare my Freedom, but I will only know if I'm truly free after at least 4 months, maybe 6 months.

Restarting the Counter

I am going to restart the Freedom Timer.
I just don't know when. In the coming days, I think.
To be honest with myself and with all of you, I think it
makes sense to restart the timer.

I just want to be sure that I'm going to keep my word
to myself this time.
The next time I restart the timer will be the last time.

I have had too many set-backs to be able to say I've
been permanently freed from trich. There has been major progress,
to be sure; and I am great with that and where I am now.
I never got to post a picture of my best progress, but I will when I
get there again. There is little left of my lashes and brows at the moment,
and when I think of it, it makes me laugh. I don't know why. But it beats
crying. Just this reaction tells me that there's been a shift on a much
deeper level. I need a little time to be with this level and wait for
any new insights. But to tell you the truth, I am all insighted-out. I'm all
plucked out. I can't think about it anymore and I can't not think about it anymore.
Hmmm, maybe that means I'm reaching an equilibrium with it. Now, there's an insight. An insight that is new, exciting, and moves me. We may be restarting that timer sooner that we thought!

Look for it in the coming days.

I thank those of you who have written privately and on the blog with your own stories and your support of my journey. We are on this journey together. So far, I've heard from women only. I'd love to hear from any guys with trich. This is a safe place for you, too. Your stories inspire me and I am moved each time to realize how much we have in common and thank G-d we have found each other and none of us has to cope with trich on his/her own. Check out the posts from other readers.

A New Beginning: Resetting the Counter

Everyday is a new opportunity for a new beginning.
This is good news.
It's also bad news.

"Tomorrow I'll start my diet."
"Tomorrow I'll stop plucking."
"Tomorrow I'll ___________ ."

You see what I mean?

Today was a very stressful, overwhelming day.
It began with a driving theory test.
I don't know what happened, as I've never had test
anxiety before, but I had MAJOR test anxiety. I felt it
in my breathing, my stomach, and all the conversations going
on in my head: "I'm going to fail. So what? I'll take the test again.
It's not the end of the world if I fail. I don't want to fail. No big
deal. No, you'll be fine ...." I started self-coaching, and doing my
yoga breathing.

I had 4 natural childbirths for goodness sakes, I can take a driving theory
test without anesthesia!!

I had a business meeting, accounting, banking details to tend to, plus the other myriad business and non-business things that need tending to.

Those 4 children who I loved enough to give birth to naturally (no comment on those of you who didn't choose natural childbirth - I know you all love your children as much as I) and breastfeed until the age of 2 or 3 (again, no judgment on any of you who chose otherwise), don't get any time with me. When I finish this post, I will go put them to bed with a story or two.

Okay, back to the day I reset the counter. I tried to justify, rationalize, lie and rob my grandmother not to have to reset the timer, but lying about freedom isn't freedom, is it?

So, this afternoon when I finally decided I absolutely had to take a break, I went to lie down with something to read. Then my eyebrow piqued my interest. I pulled a bit, had some conversations with myself:
"Esti, you're pulling. Stop."
"Thanks for sharing, Self, I know. I'm just pulling the ones about to fall out anyway."
"Esti, you're lying."
"Self, again, thanks for sharing. I know."
"Esti, you want freedom. So stop this. You don't need it. Any reason you think you may be enjoying this is a lie."
"Self, thank you, you are so right. I am free."
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There was a subtext happening here as well - the former Esti, the hair-puller, for brief moments thought, well, it's not the end of the world if I pull a few hairs now and again. Big deal. As long as I don't do REAL damage. This sub-conscious hairpuller wanted to completely sabotage my commitment and progress. But in the moment, giving up hair pulling didn't seem such a lofty or necessary goal. If I could really believe that, then I could happily go on plucking. But I knew that's not what I want for myself or my life. I imagined the sense of freedom I've had in these last 32 days and I'm not willing to give up that level of freedom for anything.
------------------------------------------------

(Ok, I realize this sounds a bit psychotic, multiple-personality, movie-of-the-week material, but we are complex multi-layered beings, as is our consciousness. And, I trust you, my friend reading this, to totally get what I'm saying and even relate to it on some level.)

And I stopped. But not before I had done considerable damage, not just a bit of thinning. I was a bit shocked when I looked in the mirror. So, I consulted with my husband and we both agreed that the honest thing to do would be to reset the timer.

As I tell you: no judging. I'm not judging. I'm very proud of myself that, even under the extreme fatigue, overwhelm, stress, etc. I was able to choose NOT PLUCKING. That's great news. I had niggling little feelings of disappointment; but I gave those feelings up in favor of self esteem and freedom from trich.

It just means that I need to do more EFT - and to be honest, I haven't stuck to the regimen I had committed to. Clearly I need to do that. Now we'll truly be able to see what a difference that makes over the next 30-40 days.

And I'm determined to beat my record and achieve total freedom.
Not partial, not temporary, not conditional.
Total and complete freedom.

Does this mean that I'll never have the urge. No.
It means that I will be empowered to choose whether to pluck or not in the face
of any and all circumstances and urges. I will choose. Not the trichotillomania.

In the meantime, I've left the original counter because the big picture is still good. I'll post a picture in the next day or so to show you. The overall trend is an upward trend, even if there still are challenging moments and work to be done.

We'll do it together. Thank you for the strength you give me to pursue total freedom and to share my journey with you.

With love,
Esti