Watch your language!

What language do we use when referring to hair plucking?

I suffer from

Looking for a cure

I am a trich sufferer

I have had trich - sounds like a disease

What does all this language MAKE us?
- victims
- powerless
- sick
- abnormal

Let me suggest that plucking or pulling is JUST SOMETHING WE DO.
It's not WHO WE ARE.

When we stop defining ourselves by our trich, freedom is within reach.

I've been free, and I've given up my freedom. Why I would do that - I don't know. I don't care to obsess on it anymore than I care to obsess on my eyelashes and eyebrows. And I obsess - what's not there, how they're growing in, how great they look, and oh, what's that? There's one sticking out. Once I've seen that, it's all I can think about. There are a whole host of obsessive behaviors that accompany the trich. I am committed to being free from those as well. The same as an alcoholic can't have just one drink, or even one sip. All these behaviors lead to a slippery slope back to trich-ville.

Ok, back to the language. So, I've had a set-back. All that means is that I gave up my freedom. I chose plucking over not plucking. So what. Really. So what!? I'll start again. This time I'm laughing. I'm not in despair. I'm not depressed and mad at myself and asking 'why, why, why did I do this after I was doing so well'. It just doesn't matter. I keep looking forward and refuse to let the past or my trich to define me or limit my possibilities.

Don't let it limit your outlook on who you are and what you can accomplish.

Add your thoughts to this blog. We can support and strengthen one another. But only to a point. In the end, you are going to have to choose what you're committed to and decide with each action, behavior or movement if it aligns with your commitment to yourself.

More on: Habit, Compulsion, Addiction, or what?

As you may have noticed, I've placed a counter on this blog to show how many days I've been trich free. That is from the day I declared my freedom after a week of no pulling. That was after one of the worst breakdowns in pulling I ever had. Here is a picture to prove it. In the left-hand picture you can see that I have no eyelashes left whatsoever. Even when I had plucked them all, I still had an urge, but there was no way to satisfy it. When I realized that, I realized what a lie the whole plucking episode had been. On the right you can see the eyebrows. That's actually not the worst they've been. They're mostly grown in now, and the lashes are coming in. I will post pictures every week to show you my progress.

What I've recently come to notice is that I have different types of plucking urges: habitual, compulsive, and something else I can only explain. I'll take you through all of them.

The habitual ones are the times my hand just goes to my face when I'm sitting at the computer or on the phone, and there is a pause in my stream of thought or activity. I notice when I do this, and take my hand away. I've been practicing the EFT tapping method this week each time I find myself putting my hand to my face and going for the eyebrows or eyelashes in any way. I'll talk more about EFT later.

The 'something else' that needs an explanation starts with some sort of 'irritation'. I usually don't pluck my bottom lashes, but occasionally it feels like they 'need plucking'. It's a sort of irritated dryness and I gently pull across the lashes and it seems that the lashes that were about to fall out come out. Then there's more irritation from having just 'gently removed' those lashes. A little more pulling ensues, maybe gently, maybe a bit more purposefully. This usually goes on until the lashes are gone. It happened this week with the corner of one eye. I did stop at just the corner, which was amazing. But I stopped to look at why I had started plucking. I wasn't 'feeling plucky', it wasn't that 'itch that had to be scratched' type of impulse. It was actually a sensation in the eyelid itself that triggered it. Again, it wasn't plucking for the sake of plucking. Only those of you who have experienced this can know what I mean.

But this leads me to the following insight: plucking begets plucking. Eyes and eyelids are very sensitive. We know this from that residual irritation from a speck of dirt in the eye, and no longer there, is very persistent. An irritation in the eyelid is bound to call my attention. Then I'm thinking about it. And thinking about it. I suppose I'm obsessing on it. I don't want to be, but there is something calling my attention, so I rub it. And it's still there. Then I rub it again. And it's even more irritated. Then I 'just' gently pull a couple lashes in that irritated area and - whoops - out they come. Now the area is even more irritated from the pulling.
That begs more pulling. It just seems like something that has to be done.

Now, the compulsive plucking is that seemingly out-of-control plucking. The urge that I must give in to to get relief from it. Why can't I stop that? It is only a habit, as I tell myself. If so, why don't I listen to the voice yelling to stop, don't do it!?

Because this aspect of the plucking ISN'T just habit! It really bothered me to be so powerless in the face of this compulsive urge. If I'm truly committed to stopping, but I'm not stopping, what is the pay-off? There MUST be a pay-off if I'm doing it. And for the life of me I can't figure out what that payoff is except not having to fight this very strong urge. It's kind of an endless loop, then isn't it?

It might be, until I read what Gary Craig, creator of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) says about addictive behaviors. He writes an entire chapter about it:

It is not a bad habit.
It is not inherited.
It is not because it runs in the family.
I is not because the addict is weak.
It is not a lack of will power.

It is not because the addict has a secondary gain.

Please read the above 3 times.

Isn't that incredible? Aha! I mean, really, really huge AHA!
At first, I thought, maybe I love that because then I'm not responsible
for my compulsive urges. And here is an expert telling me that I'm not.
Pish posh! Not exactly.

Let's look at what he says it IS:

The true cause of all addictions is anxiety...an uneasy feeling that is temporarily masked,
or tranquilized, by some substance or behavior.
...
So addictive behavior is not simply a bad habit. It is an anxiety driven need that begs for relief.
The pain of withdrawl becomes too great a price to pay. They much prefer the risks of their addiction.

wow! wow! wow! yes, yes, yes!!!! He gets it! That's it!

This is exactly what I experience with that compulsive, gotta-do-it-or-else urge! It's an addictive behavior.
Like any other addictive behavior: smoking, drinking, compulsive eating, whatever!

So, finally I'm not weak, lacking will power or enjoying my secondary gain to keep plucking. There is an underlying anxiety feeding it. I may not acknowledge it or be aware of it, but it's there.

And the plucking begins. And the anxiety increases, not decreases, begetting more plucking.

Plucking begets plucking, because it feeds on and feeds the anxiety - another endless loop.

The other aspect of it being addictive is that I cannot afford to lie to myself, as the alcoholic does that he'll have 'just one drink'. I pluck 1 or 2 lashes and say, 'not the end of the world'. 'They were bothering me.' 'It's still way better than it was before.'
There is one big inherent lie behind all this self-talk - I am healed. Well, if I'm plucking, I must not be, right? And that counter? What am I really counting the days of? I'm counting since I declared my freedom. I admit there have been very limited relapses since then - 2 actually. But as the pictures I'll post next time will show, I am well on my way to recovery. But now that I have stood among you and said,
'My name is Esti, and I'm a compulsive hair puller.' I know that total freedom is total

How do we break this endless loop? It's not through will power. Been there, done that. Don't work.

Gary suggests using the tapping 15 or 25 times/day. The tapping sequence is easy-peezy to learn and takes an hour. I do it many times throughout the day, even when there is no urge, or hand flying to my face. It's preventative. It will balance the energies and prevent that silent, invisible anxiety from building up under the surface. If I can balance my energy and keep the anxiety from building up, the compulsion will not return.

Please, I urge you to get Gary's program. He sells his book and videos for next to nothing in order that this method be accessible to the masses. I think we spent about $36! It's worth hundreds of dollars. You will be able to use this method for everything.
Go to Emotional Freedom Technique and watch the little video in the upper right hand corner, read the testimonials. They're unbelievable. Others have used this method to rid themselves of trichotillomania as well.
You just gotta get this book and training CD's.

Feeling Plucky

I have declared myself a 'former plucker' as of a week ago and it's been 2 full weeks since I plucked. That is not a big milestone for me. The shift is that I had not engaged in any of the accompanying behaviors - until Saturday.

There was an upper lash clinging to a lower lash and that was driving me nuts. I don't want to feel my lashes. I don't want anything to draw my attention to them. But there it was: that lash stuck to lash feeling. I kept rubbing them apart, but of course they just keep clinging. All the rubbing made the corner of my eye sore. That along with the awareness of the few lashes there and I started thinking about plucking it.

But no. I don't do that anymore. So, plucking urge, 'thanks for sharing' and go away.
Deep breath. Pinch the area between my thumb and index finger. Think about how painful the plucking is.

I had actually begun to think of plucking as painful. That's a good thing.

Then I took out the magnified mirror to see just what was going on there. This is where I start lying to myself. "I'm just looking to see if there is a way to stop these lashes clinging." Big fat liar. You want to see the few lashes that have finally grown in. Now if I just pluck that one lash the irritation will go away and I will stop thinking about it. You're obsessing on them. That leads to plucking them.

Nope, I don't do that anymore. I can just be with it. It will pass. I'll get used to it.

But all I can think about is that damn lash.

I spend most of Saturday (my Sabbath) reading. Potential recipe for disaster. I mess with the lashes a bit off and on, but don't pluck anything. I acknowledge that those urges will come, but the difference is in what I CHOOSE to do in the face of the urge.

Each time I don't pluck is a strengthening decision that reinforces my power not to pluck. How I get through it is to do some deep breathing and imagine my end result - being free, not a slave to these urges and having long beautiful lashes.

Speaking of being free - we're celebrating our Passover holiday and had our Passover seder on Saturday night. Thinking of being 'free' gave way to thinking about the ways we are enslaved in modern times. What kinds of impulses enslave us today? Trichotillomania urges have enslaved me for far too long. It is time for me to be free of it and to be 100% responsible for engaging in plucking or not and empowering myself to choose not plucking. If I do pluck, even a few lashes or eyebrows, I won't become a slave to my stories and self-deceit about it either. I will take responsibility and take further steps to strengthen powerful choices in the future.

So, what did I do in the end? I plucked the bottom lash that the top lash was clinging to. And there, it was done. I have my bottom lashes, so taking one out as a way to prevent the further obsessing and irritation was a conscious choice done not out of an urge to pluck but an act to prevent further plucking. And it worked.

Having 2 days of Sabbath (one Sabbath, one Holy Day) was difficult as there isn't much I can do with my hands. I don't use the computer or even write. I can't make jewelry or even do Sudoku!! It's a lot of reading, resting, eating, and going out for walks - though I didn't go out for a walk and maybe I should have dissipated some energy by doing that.

I do admit that later in the evening while watching TV, I did pluck a lash and 2 eyebrows. I had a little conversation with myself about it:
"Esti, what are you doing?"
"Oh, yeah. Thanks for reminding me."
"You're a former hair plucker, right?"
"Absolutely."
"So, you know you don't really want or need to be doing this."
"Absolutely."

OMG, I plucked a few hairs! I'm a liar. I'm NOT a former plucker.
No, Esti, you're doing just fine. Acknowledge the urges, but be stronger
than they are. And do more work on yourself.

I'm working with a retraining and self-hypnosis program that has some key elements
that I believe will help me the rest of the way to freedom: associating pain with plucking, replacing the plucking with some other pleasurable experience. I will update you as to the progress of working with this program and if any of you have experience with it please share your experiences here. It's Trichotillomania Cure.

I'm also learning EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique and I have read that that it's been used with total success to free people of plucking. Even really severe cases. It's a gentle, easy-to-learn technique. I will share my progress with you. The link to the site is in the sidebar.

If you're looking to start your own Freedom Journey, start with Abby's ebook (see link on the side bar under Abby Leora Rohrer's Sites, and then give the Trichotillomania Cure a look. Both of these programs together will cost you around $100. Not a lot of money to spend to get your life back.

What do you think of this post? Leave your comments and please rate my blog at the top right-hand corner of the blog. Thanks!

One Size Does NOT Fit All

Not all trich sufferers start for the same reasons, continue for the same reasons or have the same triggers, though there probably are many similarities and parallels. We're all wired differently, so it stands to reason that is no one-cure-fits-all.

I also hesitate to use the words 'sufferers' and 'cure'. Are we sick? Do we have a disease? Not in the traditional sense, but it is a form of dis ease. But it's not an illness and what does it mean to 'suffer' from it?

Our words give power. Words are power. So how does the language we use in our self-talk , or our open discussions with others, about our trich? Are we in fact empowering the trich by 'suffering' from it? Suffer SUFFER s u f f e r.
So much drama!! What do we need it for?

I'd like to share with you what I've tried over the years and what insights I gained with each attempt.

I will continue with this theme after our holiday. I'll be back Sunday night after 8pm, Israel time (1 pm Eastern U.S.).

I hope to 'see' you then.

Welcome to a Whole New Trich-Free World!

What opens up when you give up trichotillomania?

For me - creativity, free self-expression, relationships - a higher level of relating.

I've been thinking about a couple of concepts I read in Abby's eBook, "What's Wrong With Pulling Out My Hair?" about trichotillomania being a behavior that perfectionists and highly creative people engage in. If someone does not pull their hair out it doesn't mean they're not those things! ;-)

Three years ago I started a jewelry company and designing and making jewelery. It shouldn't have been a big surprise as I was very artsy-fartsy as a kid - into painting, clay, singing, dancing, acting, paint-by-number (very creative, yeah?) and playing musical instruments (self-taught) and creating all sorts of projects from scraps. I was also an excellent student. Anything below an A or 90 was almost like failing for me. It rarely happened. In 7th grade I got a 70 on an essay test in science. I was mortified. I was known as a 'brain', the 'smart' girl. Grades were very important - they were the measure of my worth to a large extent. I won excellence awards and honor roll recognition. They were my badge of honor.

A couple of things here - I realized rather recently that making the grade wasn't for me. It was how I earned my father's love. He was a god in my eyes. He wasn't overtly affectionate, though he did do lots of cool stuff with us like play basketball, kickball, softball and go for long bike rides through Livonia (Michigan, where we lived). We played lots of frisbee and other games, with other neighborhood kids joining in. He was the only parent who ever did anything with us. Why didn't I see all the love in that? So my grades and achievements became away to gain approval of teachers and my father.

Another thing about the jewelery - when I was in high school and had pretty much exhausted the curriculum taking all the honors classes they offered, I chose a short jewelry-making course for part of my schedule one year. I showed my Dad my course choices and when he saw the jewelry-making he remarked, "Basket-weaving 101". I felt insulted and belittled. I dropped the course. There was no way I could take that course without his approval. If it didn't make him proud there was no reason to do it.

Creativity - squash! I'm the Wild Coyote and Road Runner has just dropped an anvil on my head from a high cliff!

Fast forward thirty years later and I reinvent myself as a jewelry designer! Wow!
I can actually take an idea out of my head and create it in the physical world. And I'm good! The channel is open! And what else? My hands are busy. My husband and I stay up until 2, 3 in the morning, with a movie on - but we only hear it. I'm busy under my lamp, wire, beads and pliers in hands. You can bet I didn't do any plucking then. What's more, I don't recall having any URGES.

Find a creative outlet, a passion be it painting, writing, jewelry, crocheting, knitting, needle work, ceramics, whatever. Go take a course if need be. Channel the creative energy you've kept inside. This is another step toward your freedom.
Once you become totally and freely self-expressed you won't need to pluck.

Do You Really Want to Stop?

What? Are you nuts? Of course I want to stop.

I used to think so, too. Why wouldn't I want to stop self-mutilating, blaming, shaming
and being depressed about it. Why wouldn't I want to not have to worry about being
found out? Why would I want to not have to remember to 'put on some eyebrows' before
going out? (I remember a few times I couldn't remember if I'd used the pencil or not,
and spent the entire time I was out feeling uncomfortable, self-conscious, and naked! When I got home I saw that I had remembered to draw them in and all that discomfort was for naught. I wonder what weird vibes I was giving off! Probably: 'keep away', 'don't look at me', 'I have a dirty secret'.

Maybe some of the same vibes people sense even when I know my pencil lines are all in place.
What about you? Does how we relate to people really have anything to do with our fear of our secret being found out? Well, yes and no. Something to think about, but really I want to get back to whether you really want to stop. And the questions you have to ask yourself - in complete honesty - will reveal your real desire.

Let me say right now - it's ok if you don't want to give it up. There's nothing wrong with that.
But let's see if we can bridge the gap between you thinking/saying you want to stop pulling your hair out and actually doing it.

Ask yourself:
1. What do I gain by pulling my hair out?
2. What is my pain (cost) by pulling my hair out?
3. Who am I when I pull?
4. Who would I be if I stopped pulling my hair out?

Another way to ask:
1. What kind of person pulls their hair out?
2. What kind of person stops pulling their hair out?

I tried and tried to stop. But trying isn't doing. So what kept me from actually doing it?
"The physical habit of over 30 years has created a neural pathway - it's engrained in my brain to do this. I need some way to 'pave over' that neural pathway and/or create a new pathway."
That's a good story, right? There is actually something to it, but as it happens, I had it backwards. You retrain the brain either by stopping the habit or replacing the physical action with something else (constructive).

I sensed there was a real fear of giving it up, like I wouldn't know who I was without it. It was such a part of me.

I created affirmations and mantras. The most powerful one was this one I wrote on September 2, 2007:

"Freeing myself of trich. I create the possibility for myself and my life of self-love, self-honoring, wholeness, and freedom.
I forgive myself for not being this for myself until now. I forgive myself for the blame, anger, frustration and depression in response to my trich.
I can let go of the trich without losing a part of me - on the contrary - giving up the trich brings wholeness and completion back to my life.
I am committed to giving up this self-destructive habit. It is only a habit - it has no will and no power over me. I am responsible for choosing or not choosing it.
I am my word. I continue to be my word to mySELF. I am now and forever more healed from trich."

This was very powerful and I shared it with many girlfriends who were touched, moved and inspired by it. I had done it. I was healed. It held for a few months, actually, with minor regressions, but by March I had some nice beautiful, long lashes.

Then I had a breakdown and that whole declaration became a lie. I was very angry with myself, I was feeling hopeless about ever being able to stop plucking. I gave myself my word and I didn't keep it. How could I believe myself again?

I shared some more and got some insights with a few people I hadn't shared with before. What I needed were some new insights. Here's what I got:

1. Who I am when I pluck - a little girl with feelings that have no safe outlet.
Insight - I am not that little girl anymore; I am fully self-expressed in all of my close relationships. Therefore, the trich serves no real purpose anymore. Time to let it go.

2. What is the real emotional trigger?
Insight - I pluck the most on the Sabbath (when activities are restricted) and when I would visit my parents (where I'd feel like a little girl under scrutiny most of the time, lack of free self-expression, denial of my feelings, etc.)
What do I feel there? STUCK, TRAPPED. Bingo! That was a huge insight for me.
There's a bit of victim playing here, as well. Just like that little girl so many years (decades) ago. I'm no victim and I'm 100% responsible for me. I don't give permission to anyone (including my parents) to make me feel less than.

I write this now to tell you that I am free of trichotillomania.
Since beginning this blog last week I have not plucked - not once. I have not obsessed or checked in the mirror or engaged in any of the precursor behaviors. Yet, I wasn't sure if I would really let it go. Until now.

I owned up to the lie that I still wanted to play the victim occasionally and that I really didn't want to stop plucking. I didn't know who I'd be without it. I wasn't sure I'd have a relapse and make a liar out of myself. In fact, I didn't concern myself with it at all for all of last week.
I was just experiencing total self-acceptance - with or without the trich.
And, suddenly I experienced a whole new level of love and freedom.
If I were to start plucking again the pain of losing that love and freedom would be enormous!
I'm not willing to give up love and freedom for the privilege of plucking. No way, no how!

I have an acquaintance who has been overweight her whole life. At some point she lost a great deal of weight and guess what happened? She went into a clinical depression. She ended up hospitalized and on medication. Being overweight was such a huge (no pun intended) part of her identity that she lost part of her identity with the weight. She didn't know who she was without being overweight.

Wherever you are now - ready and willing to give up hair-pulling; or not - IT'S OK. Listen to your guts - guts never lie. You'll find your true answer. Getting real with yourself is the first step. If you find your answer is 'no, I can't give it up' - look at what your perceived loss would be; who you would become. What scares you there?

I knew something was holding me back. I knew there must be a payoff or I wouldn't continue to pluck. Sharing with others and gaining insights from and through them is what made the difference to me.

Share with a journal and begin to share with your friends. I am totally out of the closet, talking to anyone about it and I have never felt so free! I recommend it. See my other post "Coming Out of The Closet".

I also recommend getting Abby Leora Rohrer's PullFree At Last Program. Start with the ebook, "What's wrong with pulling out my hair?" She is incredible and accessible. She will answer your emails, and talk to you on the phone. If you're really ready to give up hair pulling, then invest in yourself my joining her mentoring program which has a money-back guarantee. Check the links on the sidebar of this blog for more information about her programs.

I'm reviewing another program at the moment and will update the blog after I've reviewed it.

That's it for now. Write me and let me know where you are.
Former hair-puller,
Esti Allina-Turnauer

What is Responsible for Your Hair Pulling?

What is responsible for your hair pulling?
Do you have an answer to this question?

Is it your childhood? Were you abused? Were you teased?
Were you a nail biter? Were your parents inattentive?
Were you worried about being perfect?

No matter what you answered, no matter what you think CAUSED your hair pulling,
those things aren't responsible for your hair pulling.

Then what is? Not what - who?

Ok, so you may think your parents, classmates, teachers, clergy, siblings, community, the world and/or God are responsible for your trichotillomania.
But you'd be wrong. And looking for answers there isn't going to free you.

Your parents, classmates, teachers, clergy, siblings, community, the world and God aren't suffering from your trich; they aren't even aware of it, chances are. They can't do a darn thing about it.

There is one person who can. Yes, of course.

You.

Yes, you. You are responsible for it, and at the same time you are responsible for healing it or freeing yourself from it.
What? It's your fault?
I didn't say it's your fault. Placing blame isn't going to create an opening for your freedom. Responsibility empowers you. It all lies with you.
You had the power and creativity to create this little coping mechanism, you have the power and creativity to release yourself from it.

How? See my post "Habit, Compulsion, or Addiction"
about taking a look at the cost/benefit balance sheet of your hair-pulling behavior.

Until next time.

Remember - this is a safe place to share your thoughts, feelings, insights, struggles - whatever! You can post a comment and it will be shared on the blog after I review it; or you can use the link on the sidebar to write me a note that you'd rather not share on the blog. All sharing can be done anonymously.
I'll discuss the powerful experience of coming out of the closet in the next post.

Trichotillomania - Compulsion, Addiction or what? Discuss!

What began as some sort of strange fascination, turned into a strategy to cope with boredom or static activity like reading and watching TV, or lying awake at night thinking about - or more likely - WORRYING about stuff. I was a very Type A personality child. I didn't know how to cope with stress except to cry. I cried about everything - not getting the worksheet that was being passed out. I always had this fear of being left behind, if the teacher started going over the worksheet before I had one in my hand, I would be hopelessly behind. When I missed a day or two of school due to illness or religious holidays I would have butterflied in my stomach as if I were starting a new school on the first day. In my mind I would be so far behind it would be like they were speaking in tongues - I wouldn't understand a thing.
I don't know where these exaggerated consequences came from, but that was my stress level - even by second grade. By third grade I knew that crying was socially unacceptable unless I was bleeding or had a broken bone, so I started HIDING it and lying about it: "I just got something in my eye."
Thus, I started creating coping mechanisms.
By 5th or 6th grade I was plucking - another coping strategy that I created, but had to keep hidden.
Also by this time I had breathing problems that were diagnosed (clever doctors) as "an allergy to something in the air". I was put on Dimetame Extentab twice a day. Boy did I feel special.
Whenever I had to exert myself physically, particularly running a race, I would have an "attack".
Stress and physical exertion brought on these attacks, similar to asthma.
The allergy manifested as a post-nasal drip, which later when I studied Reflexology, a form of natural healing, I learned was 'internal crying' from a holistic perspective. It made perfect sense to me.

The breathing problem was real. Still is. But the emotional stress of competition or fright is what put me over the edge. In later years when going for job interviews that required a lie detector test, the examiner asked me if I had a breathing related problem. He could see it as he calibrated the machine.
That made me realize that it wasn't entirely in my head, it was real. The last time I had an attack was more than 15 years ago.

Back to our regularly scheduled program - ok so I created a coping mechanism, that became a habit, that became a compulsion. I've been plucking for more than 30 years, but only the last 5 years have been 'compulsive' as I describe when I pluck, I know I'm plucking, acknowledge and ask myself to stop - but I don't. I don't let myself. I lie to myself saying I need it more than I need to stop, just one more, I'm not really plucking, just playing, etc.

I don't say that I 'can't' stop. Can't is a lie. The only reason the plucking continues is because there is a payoff.
Make a balance sheet: on one side write 'Costs', and on the other side write 'Benefits'.
The costs and benefits may not be as obvious as you think. It's taken me years to peel away the lies I tell myself and get real as to the benefits. The costs are fairly obvious. But until you see what the real cost is, versus the real benefits, there is no way you're going to be willing to give it up.
If you keep plucking, clearly the benefits outweigh the costs. It's these benefits that have been hardest for me to identify. I just got really clear on it - or at least a new idea about it that I'd never had before and am trying it on for size.

All I had before was either the urge or lack of urge. When the urge was present, no matter what I told myself about giving it up, loving myself, being whole, etc., I would give in to the urge. The urge became all-consuming. I could think of nothing else. I was either thinking about plucking, but not plucking, or thinking about how to keep not plucking and worrying about when the urge was going to overwhelm me and I would 'fail' once again. I'd give in, then feel terrible about myself. I'd be angry, depressed and hopeless about ever being 'normal', being 'free' of IT, of beating it.

I saw what situations I plucked in and mistook those situations as triggers: fatigue and/or boredom while wathcing tv, reading, or working at the computer. Those aren't the triggers at all!

Also looking at why the trich took on dynamo proportions when visiting my parents in the States, or on the Sabbath when I can't do many things I'd like to do on our only free day of the week (we have a 5-6 day work week in Israel, Friday is mostly errands, getting ready for the Sabbath; Saturday is the Sabbath is which those of us who are observant do not turn on electrical appliances, drive, ride bikes, even write.)
The feeling I identified in those two situations was a feeling of BEING STUCK, NOT BEING ABLE TO FREELY EXPRESS MYSELF, NOT DOING WHAT I'D REALLY LIKE TO BE DOING. This was key for me to recognize and acknowledge.

Identify the feeling you are hiding or compensating for with your plucking.
What's the feeling that accompanies your plucking?
That's your benefit in your cost/benefit analysis.

Soon you will be able to see that the cost far outweighs the benefits, and you will recognize
that the trich is a childhood response or strategy that your adult self no longer has need of.

Coming Out of the Closet

To be honest, I never understood the need or importance of 'coming out of the closet' to homosexuals until I considered the title for this post. When I considered the impact on me of 'coming out', I got it - I finally got it. Apologies to all my homosexual friends.

It took me over 20 years to ever tell anyone the truth about the plucking. Maybe I was in recession and shared it with a close friend, R.K., I'm not sure. I do remember another close girlfriend asking me about it. She was the only one to have noticed and open the subject. At first I felt like someone was asking me - uh, something too personal discuss - I can't even think of a good analogy. What ran my through my head was 'birth control', 'cosmetic surgery', 'what sexual positions' I use. Maybe the that last one comes close to how violated I felt initially. Then I saw the opportunity.
The opportunity to share this with a close friend who cares about me and wouldn't judge me for it, but could be a source of support. I was tired of hiding, lying about it and being ashamed. It was time to tell the truth.

Over the course of about 10 years I mentioned the plucking with only 3 close friends, and my loving husband, of course.

Over this past year, I've shared my 'issue' with at least a dozen or more people while creating new openings for breakthroughs to my healing. I was doing really well over several months. I had taken responsibility for my trich, and was able to choose or not choose it. I was really free. Then I had a major breakdown. Major plucking session. Total destruction.

But what I discovered when I shared that I am a hair puller was that people are much more loving and accepting of me than I am. I didn't lose any friends, their love, their high opinion of me; on the contrary - I gained respect for my courage and closeness from sharing something so deeply personal.

And power.

That's right. Power.
I found that with each person I told my situation, the trich lost power and I gained power. A major power shift. That's what I finally got about gays needing to come out. Sharing, being out there and being fully self-expressed is empowering! Hiding and lying are disempowering.
How long are you willing to give up your power to your hair pulling?

All that shame, hiding and fear of discovery empowered the hair-pulling beyond belief. It fueled it, it became bigger than life. But then when people shared that they, too, pulled, or chewed their cuticles, or whatever it is that they do to themselves, I realized it wasn't the big deal I had made it to be and that now I had permission to

BE HUMAN AND ACCEPT MY HUMANITY WHILE ACCEPTING OTHERS'.

How simple is that? Everyone has something. No one - absolutely no one is perfect.
We hair-pullers have to stop lying to ourselves that we're not as good as everyone around us
because of our hair-pulling. We are. We're just as good. Just as valuable. Just as human.

Before sharing my hair pulling I had so many conversations in my head about how the other would react, what their judgment of me would me, what a freak I would sound like. I put aside those conversations and trusted my friends to continue to accept me. Afterall they put up with all my other imperfections, why not this?

The other side of it is: I feel great about who I am so it doesn't matter how they respond or what they think of me as a result. it really doesn't.

This week I've shared my trich now with male friends. That was really scary. Scary to the point of tears.
Would they still think I'm beautiful? Would they think I was an imposter, keeping my secret from them for so long. In return I got love, support, and lots of sharing and insights.

Welcome to the human race. The race where everyone is a winner!

So, find just one person today to tell. It will be scary. Face the fear. Face it down. Look it straight in the eyes, stare down its teeth and do it anyway. You will discover a whole new level of love, acceptance and humanity as I did. You will get self-love and self-acceptance on a whole new level each time you let yourself be vulnerable and the trich will shrink in proportions and maybe even disappear. Who knows?
What have you to lose - but the hair-pulling?

Next post: Do you really want to stop pulling your hair?

What Feeds the Pulling?

I don't know when I decided I needed to be rid of the plucking only to discover that I couldn't stop, but
I do know that I've actively looked for a 'cure' for most of the last 5 years when I realized that the trichotillomania was as strong as its name is long. My spell checker keeps telling me that its misspelled, but I checked Abby's site and that's how she spells it, so my spell checker is just not in the know about trichotillomania, like most health professionals. I never spoke to a doctor about it, or thought to bring it up in counseling; forget discussing it with Mom, Dad or sibs. It was an absolutely taboo subject. It was a source of horror, shame and utter mortification if someone brought it up and I could die twice over if it was brought up in front of others. It was a sensitive subject, you see. I was embarrassed about it. I thought there had to be something wrong with me to do such a thing to myself. I don't smoke, never did drugs, am not overweight. I have been accused of being addicted to exercise. I wish that were true today. There were days when I spent 2 hours/day 5-6 days/week at the gym. And I looked like I did.
I remember the woman who accused me of being 'addicted' or 'obsessed'. She was over 100 lbs overweight, and attending OA (overeaters' anonymous). As far as addictions or obsessions, I didn't think exercise was a bad one to have. I'll take it, thank you very much. I love food, too; and love to eat healthy, though I love my sweets. I was a sugar addict until my college days and I realized how much sugar I ate and how it affected my energy levels. So I moderated my sugar intake. I still love a square of chocolate now and again, but at 43, I have less need of it (and only the dark, dark 80% cocoa stuff!), and can put the weight on much more easily now.

Anyway, back to the theme of this post - what feeds the pulling?
Is it an addiction? A compulsion? Filling a void for something missing?

Ok, so I've suffered from the trich, suffered with trich. - What does that sound like?
Sounds like a victim to me.
I've tried to stop. Really I have. Of course I want to stop.
Did you ever try trying? There's only DOING, isn't there?
I was in a seminar in which there was an exercise in which
we were to pick something we had suffered with, write down when it started, who knew
about it, what we had done about it, the whole story.
Then the shocker came. ------We had to READ it to someone in the group! OMG!!
Now I'm suffering! ;-) And I'm thinking "don't let it be a man". I actually demanded it be a woman.

I don't HAVE to suffer!

(neither do you)

Here's what happened. Through my shame and self-disgust, I read my 'trich' story to this young woman.

I kept watching for her reaction of shock, dismay and disgust. It wasn't there. She just listened. That's what the exercise was about. But I had to read it and read it again until I could say the suffering was gone. Let me tell you I was one of the last people left in the room. I was miserable, in tears. No one understood this, or me or knew the suffering of 30 years of trich. But I did.

We changed partners. Now I had to expose myself, my imperfection, my defect to another perfect stranger. I just want to run out of here! Let me out!

But I'm glad I stayed. The woman in front of me exuded compassion and told me a couple of things that truly surprised me: she wouldn't have noticed the lack of lashes if not for my revealing it in the story; and her mother pulls at a certain area of her right eyebrow. Wow. Whew. I didn't die. And she knows someone who does this weird thing - her own mother! And what else? it ain't no big thang!

I realized then that it was just something I do. It doesn't define me or own me. I don't have to suffer. I can actually CHOOSE NOT to suffer. I can give up the blame, shame, punishment, depression and other negative self-talk in response to the trich. I pull out my lashes. So what.

Now, you go and find someone to share your hair-pulling with. I promise you the person will not react in any of the catastrophic ways you've imagined in your mind. Create a breakthrough.
Let me know what happens. Share your experiences here to inspire others to breakthrough their walls!

Trichotillomania - Compulsion, Addiction or what? Discuss!

Trichotillomania - just trying to spell it makes you wanna pull your hair out!

So, is it an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? An addiction? Or just a nervous habit?

The argument for OCD - the pulling comes on as an urge, an itch that you just have to scratch. No matter what you tell yourself, "Stop! Stop! Stop!" You just have to do it. The only way to get rid of the urge is to give in to it. It has a will of its own, so it seems.

Addiction - the plucking or pulling is connected to a psychological need - stress relief, tension relief, anger, self-blame or self-pity, boredom. These are many of the reasons given by smokers for their addiction. Or just something to do with our hands?

One thing that Abby Leora Rohrer says about it is that it is a habit pretending to be OCD. When we pluck we 'seem' to be doing something, but it's a totally passive activity, right? Its passivity pretending to be active. Look at when you do your most plucking: when you're fatigued, stressed, angry, overwhelmed, feeling insecure. When? For me it's usually fatigue and boredom; or overwhelm. Any combination of these is a sure-fire recipe for the plucking. Like today. But I stopped short of total destruction of the lashes, not that there were many there in the first place.

Start recording in a journal when you have the urge, what precipitated it, what were the emotions before, during and after; what were the physical sensations?

And remember - you're not along. I'm here for you. We'll work this out together.

Let me know what you think. This is a safe place to share yourself.

Are You Like Me?

I'm writing this blog for both of us - to heal my trich, give you some insights and let you know that you are not alone. You are not a freak. Until now you didn't know anyone else had this problem and hid in shame and fear that someone would find out what a freak you are.You've hidden your bald spots, and constantly notice other people's hair and wonder why you can't be normal like that and just leave it alone.

Am I right?

My plucking manifests in pulling out my eyelashes and eyebrows. I can hardly believe that I sit here writing this for all to see. A year ago I would never have done this. I have had a series of breakthroughs with this compulsion over the last year and am ready to truly be healed and provide some solace, support and insights to others in the process.

How did it begin for me?

I was about 10 years old, lying on the floor watching TV. Now here's an important part - I was lying with my head on the iron wrought support of the coffee table, HIDDEN FROM VIEW.
I just pulled on my lashes very casually, as if there had been one hanging or an itch, but it wasn't an intentional pull. But I noticed that a lash or two came out. I EXAMINED THEM. I was fascinated by them - the length, thickness, the bulb on the end. Wow. I had really long, thick lashes and thick eyebrows.
So that's when it started. I kept pulling lightly to see if more would come out.
Over time, I would do it whenever I watched TV or read. I would stop as soon as I saw the damage I was doing - little spaces where there should have been lashes or eyebrows. I started using my mother's eyebrow pencil to draw them in. I didn't think it was a problem or would lead to anything more drastic.
Only once did anyone say anything to me about it: my best friend's mother gently said I should stop because eventually they wouldn't grow back anymore. Guess what? She was wrong. Over 30 years later, I'm still plucking and they still grow back.

I had very long hair and could sit with my head in a book at school and continue pulling, letting the lashes and brows fall onto the pages where I could look at them.

Looking at them was always part of the deal.

Maybe you recognize this: I pluck, I hold it up to examine it, maybe hold it for a while, but not necessarily, then let it float away. All done in secret. I could lie in bed and pluck and hold it up to any little light source for the examination part. Looking at it is really, really, important.

For many years, the damage was light, until high school. One day a girl looked over at me and said,"Ew, you ain't got no eyelashes!" I wondered if she could say it just a little louder - some of the kids in the next county maybe didn't hear. She sounded truly disgusted and I was truly mortified. This was 10th grade and I was already considered 'different': I was the 'brain', and I was Jewish - not just Jewish, but an observant Jew. I got harassed by Jew and non-Jew alike for that, as well.

That's when I started lying about it. Get this: my lashes got singed in an experiment-gone-bad with a Bunsen burner in science class. Yeah, that's it. Bunsen burners. They burned off. Not bad, eh?

I had never considered this before - I began plucking when we lived in Livonia, maybe it was around the time we found out we were moving East, to Delaware. I believe now that the trich intensified after we moved. By high school it was not uncommon for me to be missing all the lashes on my upper lid, at least on my right eye.

At this stage, I was not compulsive - it was not an urge or an itch that had to be scratched - as it is today.

For the first 15 years of my trich, I could and did stop when I wanted to. I stopped long enough to let them grow in for my wedding when I was 28 - 15 years ago. The week before the wedding, I plucked a small section out, then stopped. It is visible (to me) in one of my wedding pictures.

Boredom, stress, fatigues, static activity (reading, watching tv) were the usual conditions for the trich to kick in.
More than 30 years later, they still are.

That's enough for today. More later. I'd appreciate your feedback, insights and anything you want to share. Maybe you see something here that I've missed, and pointing it out to me can be a key to mine or someone else's healing.

Does anything in my story ring true for you, too? Let's explore it together.
This is a safe place to do it.

I was going to end the post there, then I read it and realized it was completely devoid of any emotional insights or revelations. Hmmm.

Well, I've been working with an eBook called 'What's Wrong With Pulling My Hair Out?' by Abby Leora Rohrer, a self-healed trich sufferer of 27 years. Find her links in the Resources on the side bar.
She says that we created the trich as a coping mechanism to express or deal with feelings that our environment didn't support. My overwhelming feeling of my childhood is fear and insecurity. I was not abused at home, but my insecurity stemmed from having feelings that I did not feel safe expressing, and if I expressed them, I would not be loved. I felt like I was supposed to be perfect, and anything that belied my perfection had to be kept hidden away. Though I could prove how imperfect I could be with the trich, right? My trich intensified to OCD proportions after I got married and became a stay-at-home mother shortly thereafter, which, at the time, was what I wanted! By this time, I had moved overseas to my current home of Israel. I met my soul-mate here after 2 years and we were engaged. He's known about my trich from early on and has always been accepting, loving and supportive - never critical or judgmental.

Ok, more tomorrow.