Do You Really Want to Stop?

What? Are you nuts? Of course I want to stop.

I used to think so, too. Why wouldn't I want to stop self-mutilating, blaming, shaming
and being depressed about it. Why wouldn't I want to not have to worry about being
found out? Why would I want to not have to remember to 'put on some eyebrows' before
going out? (I remember a few times I couldn't remember if I'd used the pencil or not,
and spent the entire time I was out feeling uncomfortable, self-conscious, and naked! When I got home I saw that I had remembered to draw them in and all that discomfort was for naught. I wonder what weird vibes I was giving off! Probably: 'keep away', 'don't look at me', 'I have a dirty secret'.

Maybe some of the same vibes people sense even when I know my pencil lines are all in place.
What about you? Does how we relate to people really have anything to do with our fear of our secret being found out? Well, yes and no. Something to think about, but really I want to get back to whether you really want to stop. And the questions you have to ask yourself - in complete honesty - will reveal your real desire.

Let me say right now - it's ok if you don't want to give it up. There's nothing wrong with that.
But let's see if we can bridge the gap between you thinking/saying you want to stop pulling your hair out and actually doing it.

Ask yourself:
1. What do I gain by pulling my hair out?
2. What is my pain (cost) by pulling my hair out?
3. Who am I when I pull?
4. Who would I be if I stopped pulling my hair out?

Another way to ask:
1. What kind of person pulls their hair out?
2. What kind of person stops pulling their hair out?

I tried and tried to stop. But trying isn't doing. So what kept me from actually doing it?
"The physical habit of over 30 years has created a neural pathway - it's engrained in my brain to do this. I need some way to 'pave over' that neural pathway and/or create a new pathway."
That's a good story, right? There is actually something to it, but as it happens, I had it backwards. You retrain the brain either by stopping the habit or replacing the physical action with something else (constructive).

I sensed there was a real fear of giving it up, like I wouldn't know who I was without it. It was such a part of me.

I created affirmations and mantras. The most powerful one was this one I wrote on September 2, 2007:

"Freeing myself of trich. I create the possibility for myself and my life of self-love, self-honoring, wholeness, and freedom.
I forgive myself for not being this for myself until now. I forgive myself for the blame, anger, frustration and depression in response to my trich.
I can let go of the trich without losing a part of me - on the contrary - giving up the trich brings wholeness and completion back to my life.
I am committed to giving up this self-destructive habit. It is only a habit - it has no will and no power over me. I am responsible for choosing or not choosing it.
I am my word. I continue to be my word to mySELF. I am now and forever more healed from trich."

This was very powerful and I shared it with many girlfriends who were touched, moved and inspired by it. I had done it. I was healed. It held for a few months, actually, with minor regressions, but by March I had some nice beautiful, long lashes.

Then I had a breakdown and that whole declaration became a lie. I was very angry with myself, I was feeling hopeless about ever being able to stop plucking. I gave myself my word and I didn't keep it. How could I believe myself again?

I shared some more and got some insights with a few people I hadn't shared with before. What I needed were some new insights. Here's what I got:

1. Who I am when I pluck - a little girl with feelings that have no safe outlet.
Insight - I am not that little girl anymore; I am fully self-expressed in all of my close relationships. Therefore, the trich serves no real purpose anymore. Time to let it go.

2. What is the real emotional trigger?
Insight - I pluck the most on the Sabbath (when activities are restricted) and when I would visit my parents (where I'd feel like a little girl under scrutiny most of the time, lack of free self-expression, denial of my feelings, etc.)
What do I feel there? STUCK, TRAPPED. Bingo! That was a huge insight for me.
There's a bit of victim playing here, as well. Just like that little girl so many years (decades) ago. I'm no victim and I'm 100% responsible for me. I don't give permission to anyone (including my parents) to make me feel less than.

I write this now to tell you that I am free of trichotillomania.
Since beginning this blog last week I have not plucked - not once. I have not obsessed or checked in the mirror or engaged in any of the precursor behaviors. Yet, I wasn't sure if I would really let it go. Until now.

I owned up to the lie that I still wanted to play the victim occasionally and that I really didn't want to stop plucking. I didn't know who I'd be without it. I wasn't sure I'd have a relapse and make a liar out of myself. In fact, I didn't concern myself with it at all for all of last week.
I was just experiencing total self-acceptance - with or without the trich.
And, suddenly I experienced a whole new level of love and freedom.
If I were to start plucking again the pain of losing that love and freedom would be enormous!
I'm not willing to give up love and freedom for the privilege of plucking. No way, no how!

I have an acquaintance who has been overweight her whole life. At some point she lost a great deal of weight and guess what happened? She went into a clinical depression. She ended up hospitalized and on medication. Being overweight was such a huge (no pun intended) part of her identity that she lost part of her identity with the weight. She didn't know who she was without being overweight.

Wherever you are now - ready and willing to give up hair-pulling; or not - IT'S OK. Listen to your guts - guts never lie. You'll find your true answer. Getting real with yourself is the first step. If you find your answer is 'no, I can't give it up' - look at what your perceived loss would be; who you would become. What scares you there?

I knew something was holding me back. I knew there must be a payoff or I wouldn't continue to pluck. Sharing with others and gaining insights from and through them is what made the difference to me.

Share with a journal and begin to share with your friends. I am totally out of the closet, talking to anyone about it and I have never felt so free! I recommend it. See my other post "Coming Out of The Closet".

I also recommend getting Abby Leora Rohrer's PullFree At Last Program. Start with the ebook, "What's wrong with pulling out my hair?" She is incredible and accessible. She will answer your emails, and talk to you on the phone. If you're really ready to give up hair pulling, then invest in yourself my joining her mentoring program which has a money-back guarantee. Check the links on the sidebar of this blog for more information about her programs.

I'm reviewing another program at the moment and will update the blog after I've reviewed it.

That's it for now. Write me and let me know where you are.
Former hair-puller,
Esti Allina-Turnauer