What began as some sort of strange fascination, turned into a strategy to cope with boredom or static activity like reading and watching TV, or lying awake at night thinking about - or more likely - WORRYING about stuff. I was a very Type A personality child. I didn't know how to cope with stress except to cry. I cried about everything - not getting the worksheet that was being passed out. I always had this fear of being left behind, if the teacher started going over the worksheet before I had one in my hand, I would be hopelessly behind. When I missed a day or two of school due to illness or religious holidays I would have butterflied in my stomach as if I were starting a new school on the first day. In my mind I would be so far behind it would be like they were speaking in tongues - I wouldn't understand a thing.
I don't know where these exaggerated consequences came from, but that was my stress level - even by second grade. By third grade I knew that crying was socially unacceptable unless I was bleeding or had a broken bone, so I started HIDING it and lying about it: "I just got something in my eye."
Thus, I started creating coping mechanisms.
By 5th or 6th grade I was plucking - another coping strategy that I created, but had to keep hidden.
Also by this time I had breathing problems that were diagnosed (clever doctors) as "an allergy to something in the air". I was put on Dimetame Extentab twice a day. Boy did I feel special.
Whenever I had to exert myself physically, particularly running a race, I would have an "attack".
Stress and physical exertion brought on these attacks, similar to asthma.
The allergy manifested as a post-nasal drip, which later when I studied Reflexology, a form of natural healing, I learned was 'internal crying' from a holistic perspective. It made perfect sense to me.
The breathing problem was real. Still is. But the emotional stress of competition or fright is what put me over the edge. In later years when going for job interviews that required a lie detector test, the examiner asked me if I had a breathing related problem. He could see it as he calibrated the machine.
That made me realize that it wasn't entirely in my head, it was real. The last time I had an attack was more than 15 years ago.
Back to our regularly scheduled program - ok so I created a coping mechanism, that became a habit, that became a compulsion. I've been plucking for more than 30 years, but only the last 5 years have been 'compulsive' as I describe when I pluck, I know I'm plucking, acknowledge and ask myself to stop - but I don't. I don't let myself. I lie to myself saying I need it more than I need to stop, just one more, I'm not really plucking, just playing, etc.
I don't say that I 'can't' stop. Can't is a lie. The only reason the plucking continues is because there is a payoff.
Make a balance sheet: on one side write 'Costs', and on the other side write 'Benefits'.
The costs and benefits may not be as obvious as you think. It's taken me years to peel away the lies I tell myself and get real as to the benefits. The costs are fairly obvious. But until you see what the real cost is, versus the real benefits, there is no way you're going to be willing to give it up.
If you keep plucking, clearly the benefits outweigh the costs. It's these benefits that have been hardest for me to identify. I just got really clear on it - or at least a new idea about it that I'd never had before and am trying it on for size.
All I had before was either the urge or lack of urge. When the urge was present, no matter what I told myself about giving it up, loving myself, being whole, etc., I would give in to the urge. The urge became all-consuming. I could think of nothing else. I was either thinking about plucking, but not plucking, or thinking about how to keep not plucking and worrying about when the urge was going to overwhelm me and I would 'fail' once again. I'd give in, then feel terrible about myself. I'd be angry, depressed and hopeless about ever being 'normal', being 'free' of IT, of beating it.
I saw what situations I plucked in and mistook those situations as triggers: fatigue and/or boredom while wathcing tv, reading, or working at the computer. Those aren't the triggers at all!
Also looking at why the trich took on dynamo proportions when visiting my parents in the States, or on the Sabbath when I can't do many things I'd like to do on our only free day of the week (we have a 5-6 day work week in Israel, Friday is mostly errands, getting ready for the Sabbath; Saturday is the Sabbath is which those of us who are observant do not turn on electrical appliances, drive, ride bikes, even write.)
The feeling I identified in those two situations was a feeling of BEING STUCK, NOT BEING ABLE TO FREELY EXPRESS MYSELF, NOT DOING WHAT I'D REALLY LIKE TO BE DOING. This was key for me to recognize and acknowledge.
Identify the feeling you are hiding or compensating for with your plucking.
What's the feeling that accompanies your plucking?
That's your benefit in your cost/benefit analysis.
Soon you will be able to see that the cost far outweighs the benefits, and you will recognize
that the trich is a childhood response or strategy that your adult self no longer has need of.
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