What opens up when you give up trichotillomania?
For me - creativity, free self-expression, relationships - a higher level of relating.
I've been thinking about a couple of concepts I read in Abby's eBook, "What's Wrong With Pulling Out My Hair?" about trichotillomania being a behavior that perfectionists and highly creative people engage in. If someone does not pull their hair out it doesn't mean they're not those things! ;-)
Three years ago I started a jewelry company and designing and making jewelery. It shouldn't have been a big surprise as I was very artsy-fartsy as a kid - into painting, clay, singing, dancing, acting, paint-by-number (very creative, yeah?) and playing musical instruments (self-taught) and creating all sorts of projects from scraps. I was also an excellent student. Anything below an A or 90 was almost like failing for me. It rarely happened. In 7th grade I got a 70 on an essay test in science. I was mortified. I was known as a 'brain', the 'smart' girl. Grades were very important - they were the measure of my worth to a large extent. I won excellence awards and honor roll recognition. They were my badge of honor.
A couple of things here - I realized rather recently that making the grade wasn't for me. It was how I earned my father's love. He was a god in my eyes. He wasn't overtly affectionate, though he did do lots of cool stuff with us like play basketball, kickball, softball and go for long bike rides through Livonia (Michigan, where we lived). We played lots of frisbee and other games, with other neighborhood kids joining in. He was the only parent who ever did anything with us. Why didn't I see all the love in that? So my grades and achievements became away to gain approval of teachers and my father.
Another thing about the jewelery - when I was in high school and had pretty much exhausted the curriculum taking all the honors classes they offered, I chose a short jewelry-making course for part of my schedule one year. I showed my Dad my course choices and when he saw the jewelry-making he remarked, "Basket-weaving 101". I felt insulted and belittled. I dropped the course. There was no way I could take that course without his approval. If it didn't make him proud there was no reason to do it.
Creativity - squash! I'm the Wild Coyote and Road Runner has just dropped an anvil on my head from a high cliff!
Fast forward thirty years later and I reinvent myself as a jewelry designer! Wow!
I can actually take an idea out of my head and create it in the physical world. And I'm good! The channel is open! And what else? My hands are busy. My husband and I stay up until 2, 3 in the morning, with a movie on - but we only hear it. I'm busy under my lamp, wire, beads and pliers in hands. You can bet I didn't do any plucking then. What's more, I don't recall having any URGES.
Find a creative outlet, a passion be it painting, writing, jewelry, crocheting, knitting, needle work, ceramics, whatever. Go take a course if need be. Channel the creative energy you've kept inside. This is another step toward your freedom.
Once you become totally and freely self-expressed you won't need to pluck.
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As I am reading through your blog, I am literally reading the words coming from my alter ego. My father... exact same thing. Nail biting... yep, did that too. That's what I did before I got into real trouble. The emotions, the timing... everything the same. The thing is I won't be rid of my prison until the underlying urge can go away. I know it's a habit, for sure now.. but there's something that is not from me that controls me. My gut has always said it's environmental, but look at the world... where the heck was I supposed to begin the search!!
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