What Feeds the Pulling?

I don't know when I decided I needed to be rid of the plucking only to discover that I couldn't stop, but
I do know that I've actively looked for a 'cure' for most of the last 5 years when I realized that the trichotillomania was as strong as its name is long. My spell checker keeps telling me that its misspelled, but I checked Abby's site and that's how she spells it, so my spell checker is just not in the know about trichotillomania, like most health professionals. I never spoke to a doctor about it, or thought to bring it up in counseling; forget discussing it with Mom, Dad or sibs. It was an absolutely taboo subject. It was a source of horror, shame and utter mortification if someone brought it up and I could die twice over if it was brought up in front of others. It was a sensitive subject, you see. I was embarrassed about it. I thought there had to be something wrong with me to do such a thing to myself. I don't smoke, never did drugs, am not overweight. I have been accused of being addicted to exercise. I wish that were true today. There were days when I spent 2 hours/day 5-6 days/week at the gym. And I looked like I did.
I remember the woman who accused me of being 'addicted' or 'obsessed'. She was over 100 lbs overweight, and attending OA (overeaters' anonymous). As far as addictions or obsessions, I didn't think exercise was a bad one to have. I'll take it, thank you very much. I love food, too; and love to eat healthy, though I love my sweets. I was a sugar addict until my college days and I realized how much sugar I ate and how it affected my energy levels. So I moderated my sugar intake. I still love a square of chocolate now and again, but at 43, I have less need of it (and only the dark, dark 80% cocoa stuff!), and can put the weight on much more easily now.

Anyway, back to the theme of this post - what feeds the pulling?
Is it an addiction? A compulsion? Filling a void for something missing?

Ok, so I've suffered from the trich, suffered with trich. - What does that sound like?
Sounds like a victim to me.
I've tried to stop. Really I have. Of course I want to stop.
Did you ever try trying? There's only DOING, isn't there?
I was in a seminar in which there was an exercise in which
we were to pick something we had suffered with, write down when it started, who knew
about it, what we had done about it, the whole story.
Then the shocker came. ------We had to READ it to someone in the group! OMG!!
Now I'm suffering! ;-) And I'm thinking "don't let it be a man". I actually demanded it be a woman.

I don't HAVE to suffer!

(neither do you)

Here's what happened. Through my shame and self-disgust, I read my 'trich' story to this young woman.

I kept watching for her reaction of shock, dismay and disgust. It wasn't there. She just listened. That's what the exercise was about. But I had to read it and read it again until I could say the suffering was gone. Let me tell you I was one of the last people left in the room. I was miserable, in tears. No one understood this, or me or knew the suffering of 30 years of trich. But I did.

We changed partners. Now I had to expose myself, my imperfection, my defect to another perfect stranger. I just want to run out of here! Let me out!

But I'm glad I stayed. The woman in front of me exuded compassion and told me a couple of things that truly surprised me: she wouldn't have noticed the lack of lashes if not for my revealing it in the story; and her mother pulls at a certain area of her right eyebrow. Wow. Whew. I didn't die. And she knows someone who does this weird thing - her own mother! And what else? it ain't no big thang!

I realized then that it was just something I do. It doesn't define me or own me. I don't have to suffer. I can actually CHOOSE NOT to suffer. I can give up the blame, shame, punishment, depression and other negative self-talk in response to the trich. I pull out my lashes. So what.

Now, you go and find someone to share your hair-pulling with. I promise you the person will not react in any of the catastrophic ways you've imagined in your mind. Create a breakthrough.
Let me know what happens. Share your experiences here to inspire others to breakthrough their walls!