A New Beginning: Resetting the Counter

Everyday is a new opportunity for a new beginning.
This is good news.
It's also bad news.

"Tomorrow I'll start my diet."
"Tomorrow I'll stop plucking."
"Tomorrow I'll ___________ ."

You see what I mean?

Today was a very stressful, overwhelming day.
It began with a driving theory test.
I don't know what happened, as I've never had test
anxiety before, but I had MAJOR test anxiety. I felt it
in my breathing, my stomach, and all the conversations going
on in my head: "I'm going to fail. So what? I'll take the test again.
It's not the end of the world if I fail. I don't want to fail. No big
deal. No, you'll be fine ...." I started self-coaching, and doing my
yoga breathing.

I had 4 natural childbirths for goodness sakes, I can take a driving theory
test without anesthesia!!

I had a business meeting, accounting, banking details to tend to, plus the other myriad business and non-business things that need tending to.

Those 4 children who I loved enough to give birth to naturally (no comment on those of you who didn't choose natural childbirth - I know you all love your children as much as I) and breastfeed until the age of 2 or 3 (again, no judgment on any of you who chose otherwise), don't get any time with me. When I finish this post, I will go put them to bed with a story or two.

Okay, back to the day I reset the counter. I tried to justify, rationalize, lie and rob my grandmother not to have to reset the timer, but lying about freedom isn't freedom, is it?

So, this afternoon when I finally decided I absolutely had to take a break, I went to lie down with something to read. Then my eyebrow piqued my interest. I pulled a bit, had some conversations with myself:
"Esti, you're pulling. Stop."
"Thanks for sharing, Self, I know. I'm just pulling the ones about to fall out anyway."
"Esti, you're lying."
"Self, again, thanks for sharing. I know."
"Esti, you want freedom. So stop this. You don't need it. Any reason you think you may be enjoying this is a lie."
"Self, thank you, you are so right. I am free."
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There was a subtext happening here as well - the former Esti, the hair-puller, for brief moments thought, well, it's not the end of the world if I pull a few hairs now and again. Big deal. As long as I don't do REAL damage. This sub-conscious hairpuller wanted to completely sabotage my commitment and progress. But in the moment, giving up hair pulling didn't seem such a lofty or necessary goal. If I could really believe that, then I could happily go on plucking. But I knew that's not what I want for myself or my life. I imagined the sense of freedom I've had in these last 32 days and I'm not willing to give up that level of freedom for anything.
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(Ok, I realize this sounds a bit psychotic, multiple-personality, movie-of-the-week material, but we are complex multi-layered beings, as is our consciousness. And, I trust you, my friend reading this, to totally get what I'm saying and even relate to it on some level.)

And I stopped. But not before I had done considerable damage, not just a bit of thinning. I was a bit shocked when I looked in the mirror. So, I consulted with my husband and we both agreed that the honest thing to do would be to reset the timer.

As I tell you: no judging. I'm not judging. I'm very proud of myself that, even under the extreme fatigue, overwhelm, stress, etc. I was able to choose NOT PLUCKING. That's great news. I had niggling little feelings of disappointment; but I gave those feelings up in favor of self esteem and freedom from trich.

It just means that I need to do more EFT - and to be honest, I haven't stuck to the regimen I had committed to. Clearly I need to do that. Now we'll truly be able to see what a difference that makes over the next 30-40 days.

And I'm determined to beat my record and achieve total freedom.
Not partial, not temporary, not conditional.
Total and complete freedom.

Does this mean that I'll never have the urge. No.
It means that I will be empowered to choose whether to pluck or not in the face
of any and all circumstances and urges. I will choose. Not the trichotillomania.

In the meantime, I've left the original counter because the big picture is still good. I'll post a picture in the next day or so to show you. The overall trend is an upward trend, even if there still are challenging moments and work to be done.

We'll do it together. Thank you for the strength you give me to pursue total freedom and to share my journey with you.

With love,
Esti