A New Beginning: Resetting the Counter

Everyday is a new opportunity for a new beginning.
This is good news.
It's also bad news.

"Tomorrow I'll start my diet."
"Tomorrow I'll stop plucking."
"Tomorrow I'll ___________ ."

You see what I mean?

Today was a very stressful, overwhelming day.
It began with a driving theory test.
I don't know what happened, as I've never had test
anxiety before, but I had MAJOR test anxiety. I felt it
in my breathing, my stomach, and all the conversations going
on in my head: "I'm going to fail. So what? I'll take the test again.
It's not the end of the world if I fail. I don't want to fail. No big
deal. No, you'll be fine ...." I started self-coaching, and doing my
yoga breathing.

I had 4 natural childbirths for goodness sakes, I can take a driving theory
test without anesthesia!!

I had a business meeting, accounting, banking details to tend to, plus the other myriad business and non-business things that need tending to.

Those 4 children who I loved enough to give birth to naturally (no comment on those of you who didn't choose natural childbirth - I know you all love your children as much as I) and breastfeed until the age of 2 or 3 (again, no judgment on any of you who chose otherwise), don't get any time with me. When I finish this post, I will go put them to bed with a story or two.

Okay, back to the day I reset the counter. I tried to justify, rationalize, lie and rob my grandmother not to have to reset the timer, but lying about freedom isn't freedom, is it?

So, this afternoon when I finally decided I absolutely had to take a break, I went to lie down with something to read. Then my eyebrow piqued my interest. I pulled a bit, had some conversations with myself:
"Esti, you're pulling. Stop."
"Thanks for sharing, Self, I know. I'm just pulling the ones about to fall out anyway."
"Esti, you're lying."
"Self, again, thanks for sharing. I know."
"Esti, you want freedom. So stop this. You don't need it. Any reason you think you may be enjoying this is a lie."
"Self, thank you, you are so right. I am free."
----------------------------------------------
There was a subtext happening here as well - the former Esti, the hair-puller, for brief moments thought, well, it's not the end of the world if I pull a few hairs now and again. Big deal. As long as I don't do REAL damage. This sub-conscious hairpuller wanted to completely sabotage my commitment and progress. But in the moment, giving up hair pulling didn't seem such a lofty or necessary goal. If I could really believe that, then I could happily go on plucking. But I knew that's not what I want for myself or my life. I imagined the sense of freedom I've had in these last 32 days and I'm not willing to give up that level of freedom for anything.
------------------------------------------------

(Ok, I realize this sounds a bit psychotic, multiple-personality, movie-of-the-week material, but we are complex multi-layered beings, as is our consciousness. And, I trust you, my friend reading this, to totally get what I'm saying and even relate to it on some level.)

And I stopped. But not before I had done considerable damage, not just a bit of thinning. I was a bit shocked when I looked in the mirror. So, I consulted with my husband and we both agreed that the honest thing to do would be to reset the timer.

As I tell you: no judging. I'm not judging. I'm very proud of myself that, even under the extreme fatigue, overwhelm, stress, etc. I was able to choose NOT PLUCKING. That's great news. I had niggling little feelings of disappointment; but I gave those feelings up in favor of self esteem and freedom from trich.

It just means that I need to do more EFT - and to be honest, I haven't stuck to the regimen I had committed to. Clearly I need to do that. Now we'll truly be able to see what a difference that makes over the next 30-40 days.

And I'm determined to beat my record and achieve total freedom.
Not partial, not temporary, not conditional.
Total and complete freedom.

Does this mean that I'll never have the urge. No.
It means that I will be empowered to choose whether to pluck or not in the face
of any and all circumstances and urges. I will choose. Not the trichotillomania.

In the meantime, I've left the original counter because the big picture is still good. I'll post a picture in the next day or so to show you. The overall trend is an upward trend, even if there still are challenging moments and work to be done.

We'll do it together. Thank you for the strength you give me to pursue total freedom and to share my journey with you.

With love,
Esti

Long Time No Pluck?

To all of you who are following this blog - remember the first step is to stop punishing yourself for your plucking or pulling.

Over the weekend - generally prime plucking time for me, I felt the plucking come back. The first thing I did was take a deep breath - rather than panic and berate myself for 'not keeping my word', 'oh no! I'm not really healed' and that sort of self-talk that I had to make a conscious choice not to give in to.

Here's what I noticed: a few days ago I started checking with the magnified mirror to examine my progress. I know I'm lying to myself and I KNOW this is potentially the first step down the slippery slope to Pluckville. But I do it anyway. Next thing I notice a couple of lashes poking out in a different direction. They're nice and thick, and long. Wouldn't it be great fun to pull those out? Well, NO! Actually, wouldn't it be beautiful to leave them alone and envision them with a whole bunch of similar kind of lashes? Sure, it would.

Then I remember to use the EFT - the tapping sequence takes me just 1 minute. I do it twice for good measure. I also realize that I need to do it in regular intervals throughout the day as a preventative. It's so simple, yet it does the trick.

Yesterday, after pulling an eyebrow or 3, I recognize the anxiety fuelling this impulse. I also acknowledged that the pulling would not relieve the anxiety. The anxiety, I realized, emanated from a sense of overwhelm: I have so many things to accomplish in a short period of time and am behind in my work to due the vertigo and migraine headaches I've been having the last 2 weeks or so.

Another deep breath or 3. Prioritize. I realize there are 2 major projects I need to clear off my plate in order to relieve the anxiety and have a clear head to move on to building the new blog and other business tasks I need to do. Those 2 things are: get my 2007 tax prep done (for Israel and the U.S.); and study for and take the written driver's test (in Hebrew). This is called Planning My Work and Working My Plan.

I also felt overwhelmed by the need and desire to update this blog, but not finding the time to do it. So, here I am and I apologize for the hiatus.

So, once again, I questioned whether I am 'trich free' for real; and what does it mean if I pluck a lash or 2 or an eyebrow? All it means is that I still have work to do. Today, in fact, I feel free. There is no anxiety fueling an urge to pluck or any urge to put my hands near my face at all. This is how I want to feel - not thinking about plucking or NOT plucking - just being. That's all. Know what I mean?

All of you who are reading this and writing to me continue to inspire me and contribute to my full freedom from trich. Thank you for letting me share this with you and contributing your comments, whether in private or on the blog. I always get such inspiration from you. Your comments and support move and touch me. And it always amazes me to see how much we are all alike.

So, there's no reason for any of us to go it alone. That's what this blog is for. Post your comments here anonymously if you like, but share yourself here, as a safe place to do so.

If you haven't already availed yourself of any of the programs here, I recommend starting with Abby Leora's eBook. Go for her full program if you are ready to take the leap; but, again, wherever you are on your journey, you are whole, perfect and complete just as you are!

We're Going to Move

I am working on a new blog design that will be at www.healhairpulling.com and will offer everything on the current blog and more in the way of resources and book shopping and just-for-fun shopping. I want to have it ready for you by the end of this week. I will post here to let you know when.

Progress Pics

It's hard to see in the pics and I'm working on improving the clarity of these pics for you, but there is definitely growth of eyelashes and eyebrows. Compare it to the pics of April 8th and it's a drastic difference. Actually recording all this is a form of accountability that helps me stay on track, though I actually haven't yet experienced a compulsive episode yet in 4 weeks. A bit of habitual near-plucking, and a bit of overwhelm-induced plucking yesterday - I pulled 3 lashes. At first I contemplated whether that made my freedom contemplation a lie or not and whether to reset the counter. What do you think?