As you may have noticed, I've placed a counter on this blog to show how many days I've been trich free. That is from the day I declared my freedom after a week of no pulling. That was after one of the worst breakdowns in pulling I ever had. Here is a picture to prove it. In the left-hand picture you can see that I have no eyelashes left whatsoever. Even when I had plucked them all, I still had an urge, but there was no way to satisfy it. When I realized that, I realized what a lie the whole plucking episode had been. On the right you can see the eyebrows. That's actually not the worst they've been. They're mostly grown in now, and the lashes are coming in. I will post pictures every week to show you my progress.
What I've recently come to notice is that I have different types of plucking urges: habitual, compulsive, and something else I can only explain. I'll take you through all of them.
The habitual ones are the times my hand just goes to my face when I'm sitting at the computer or on the phone, and there is a pause in my stream of thought or activity. I notice when I do this, and take my hand away. I've been practicing the EFT tapping method this week each time I find myself putting my hand to my face and going for the eyebrows or eyelashes in any way. I'll talk more about EFT later.
The 'something else' that needs an explanation starts with some sort of 'irritation'. I usually don't pluck my bottom lashes, but occasionally it feels like they 'need plucking'. It's a sort of irritated dryness and I gently pull across the lashes and it seems that the lashes that were about to fall out come out. Then there's more irritation from having just 'gently removed' those lashes. A little more pulling ensues, maybe gently, maybe a bit more purposefully. This usually goes on until the lashes are gone. It happened this week with the corner of one eye. I did stop at just the corner, which was amazing. But I stopped to look at why I had started plucking. I wasn't 'feeling plucky', it wasn't that 'itch that had to be scratched' type of impulse. It was actually a sensation in the eyelid itself that triggered it. Again, it wasn't plucking for the sake of plucking. Only those of you who have experienced this can know what I mean.
But this leads me to the following insight: plucking begets plucking. Eyes and eyelids are very sensitive. We know this from that residual irritation from a speck of dirt in the eye, and no longer there, is very persistent. An irritation in the eyelid is bound to call my attention. Then I'm thinking about it. And thinking about it. I suppose I'm obsessing on it. I don't want to be, but there is something calling my attention, so I rub it. And it's still there. Then I rub it again. And it's even more irritated. Then I 'just' gently pull a couple lashes in that irritated area and - whoops - out they come. Now the area is even more irritated from the pulling.
That begs more pulling. It just seems like something that has to be done.
Now, the compulsive plucking is that seemingly out-of-control plucking. The urge that I must give in to to get relief from it. Why can't I stop that? It is only a habit, as I tell myself. If so, why don't I listen to the voice yelling to stop, don't do it!?
Because this aspect of the plucking ISN'T just habit! It really bothered me to be so powerless in the face of this compulsive urge. If I'm truly committed to stopping, but I'm not stopping, what is the pay-off? There MUST be a pay-off if I'm doing it. And for the life of me I can't figure out what that payoff is except not having to fight this very strong urge. It's kind of an endless loop, then isn't it?
It might be, until I read what Gary Craig, creator of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) says about addictive behaviors. He writes an entire chapter about it:
It is not a bad habit.
It is not inherited.
It is not because it runs in the family.
I is not because the addict is weak.
It is not a lack of will power.It is not because the addict has a secondary gain.
Please read the above 3 times.
Isn't that incredible? Aha! I mean, really, really huge AHA!
At first, I thought, maybe I love that because then I'm not responsible
for my compulsive urges. And here is an expert telling me that I'm not.
Pish posh! Not exactly.
Let's look at what he says it IS:
The true cause of all addictions is anxiety...an uneasy feeling that is temporarily masked,
or tranquilized, by some substance or behavior.
...
So addictive behavior is not simply a bad habit. It is an anxiety driven need that begs for relief.
The pain of withdrawl becomes too great a price to pay. They much prefer the risks of their addiction.
wow! wow! wow! yes, yes, yes!!!! He gets it! That's it!
This is exactly what I experience with that compulsive, gotta-do-it-or-else urge! It's an addictive behavior.
Like any other addictive behavior: smoking, drinking, compulsive eating, whatever!
So, finally I'm not weak, lacking will power or enjoying my secondary gain to keep plucking. There is an underlying anxiety feeding it. I may not acknowledge it or be aware of it, but it's there.
And the plucking begins. And the anxiety increases, not decreases, begetting more plucking.
Plucking begets plucking, because it feeds on and feeds the anxiety - another endless loop.
The other aspect of it being addictive is that I cannot afford to lie to myself, as the alcoholic does that he'll have 'just one drink'. I pluck 1 or 2 lashes and say, 'not the end of the world'. 'They were bothering me.' 'It's still way better than it was before.'
There is one big inherent lie behind all this self-talk - I am healed. Well, if I'm plucking, I must not be, right? And that counter? What am I really counting the days of? I'm counting since I declared my freedom. I admit there have been very limited relapses since then - 2 actually. But as the pictures I'll post next time will show, I am well on my way to recovery. But now that I have stood among you and said,
'My name is Esti, and I'm a compulsive hair puller.' I know that total freedom is total
How do we break this endless loop? It's not through will power. Been there, done that. Don't work.
Gary suggests using the tapping 15 or 25 times/day. The tapping sequence is easy-peezy to learn and takes an hour. I do it many times throughout the day, even when there is no urge, or hand flying to my face. It's preventative. It will balance the energies and prevent that silent, invisible anxiety from building up under the surface. If I can balance my energy and keep the anxiety from building up, the compulsion will not return.
Please, I urge you to get Gary's program. He sells his book and videos for next to nothing in order that this method be accessible to the masses. I think we spent about $36! It's worth hundreds of dollars. You will be able to use this method for everything.
Go to Emotional Freedom Technique and watch the little video in the upper right hand corner, read the testimonials. They're unbelievable. Others have used this method to rid themselves of trichotillomania as well.
You just gotta get this book and training CD's.
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